From Despair to Direction: On Finding my Life Purpose

The aftermath of the presidential election opened a brief window of time during which it was socially acceptable to not be “ok”. Friends checked in on each other with “How are you really doing?” My boss offered our team time off or flexibility on a deadline if needed. And many people talked freely about feeling despondent, even with casual acquaintances.

At first, this time of open sadness was a reprieve for me, as I have been varying degrees of “not ok” for most of this past year and was tired of hiding. I’d been struggling to find meaning, purpose, and frankly, a reason to live. It is inherently uncool to openly question the point of life; with the election results, those social norms briefly shattered and my feelings of existential dread and doubt became a shared experience.

But soon, allowing myself to be openly depressed drew me into a level of despair I hadn’t felt in months. Desperately questioning the meaning of life came with an unexpected benefit: I came up with an answer: That I am here to authentically enjoy and experience life with integrity. I love this for me, though I’m not convinced it’s the right fit for everyone—a sentiment I hope to explore in a future post, perhaps with the conclusion that life is still meaningless (sorry/not sorry).

The first time I heard myself say out loud—to another human—that my life purpose is to authentically enjoy and experience life with integrity, I immediately felt self-conscious. To feel better, I reflexively blurted out, “but that includes my work, of course!”

With this, I revealed a subconscious belief that if I am not fulfilling my societal role as a caretaker of men and babies, then I must compensate for my life choices with a career—not just a job, but an all-consuming dedication to creating value for others. This is the same belief that drew me into the online coaching business industry and the reason I felt so lost when I left it.

Luckily, I’ve done enough self-coaching to believe (most of the time!) in my own inherent worth and my right to be childless and partnerless by choice. I’ve learned to embrace my 'selfishness' and be proud of my decisions. And I’ve survived the discomfort of not being celebrated for my non-traditional choices enough times to know that I can keep doing so.

As such, I don’t need to tack on such a disclaimer to my life purpose statement. By openly sharing that I’m here to authentically enjoy and experience life—full stop—I hope to encourage others, especially people socialized as women, to reflect on their own relationship with joy and to explore what they base their sense of value on.

Something I do want to tack on is that my life purpose is meant to be done “in moderation.”  That’s because the American cultural obsession with maximalism—whether it’s to make the most money, travel as much as you can, or bring as many people out of poverty as possible—is exhausting. And yet, I once said that I want to enjoy and experience life the most. This slip-up reminds me how deeply culture permeates the water we all drink. It’s only human for it to seep into my system. But luckily, the ability to filter it out is also human, by practicing self-awareness and intentionality (both skills also gained through self-coaching).  

Now I use my life purpose as a framework for decision making. From what I pursue in my career to how I spend my Sundays, knowing what I’m here for has been incredibly helpful. For example, I had tickets for an event called Scientific Controversies: Bird Brains—a talk about how birds learn to sing and flock. As excited as I was to dive into the evolution of language and social behavior, the event didn’t start until 7:30 p.m. on a weeknight. And let’s face it, I’m no night owl. Torn between a desire to experience the event or to enjoy an early bedtime, I felt stuck and stressed. But then I took a step back. I realized how much I’d already enjoyed my day and the enriching experiences that awaited me the next. With that perspective, it became clear I could skip the event and still honor my purpose. So I did—without even a hint of FOMO. 

Now that we're all being a little more honest with ourselves and others about how hard life is (and will be these next four years), let's do it together. Deciding on my life purpose was a turning point for me, helping me shift from despair to a sense of direction. Whether you’re curious about your own life’s purpose or simply trying to live with more authenticity and intention, I'm here for you.